Before November of 2024, I never knew what to do for people when they lost a loved one. I’d send these long drawn out texts and then kinda wait to be told?

It’s not that I wasn’t compassionate, or empathetic, or feeling for them. I was. But I simply had never experienced such loss. I did not know.

I regret now, how I’ve showed or didn’t show up up for others, during their grief.

So, a few weeks after dad was killed by a drunk driver, I wrote it all down. The things that helped. The things that hurt.

I have been supported wonderfully, and have nothing but gratitude for ALL forms of support. But some were simply more helpful than others.

Knowing what I know, here’s how I plan to support others in the future who experience tragic, sudden loss. Let me know if there are things I can add, to make this list truly helpful to all.

What to do (immediately after) your loved one loses their loved one

These tips are based off of what was most helpful to me the first two weeks after my father died. It depends on timing, relationship, the circumstances of the tragedy, and each individual person. But the three things I found most helpful were:

1. Messages and letters (not phone calls)

2. Money, groceries & flowers (+ bonus gifts)

3. Acts of service - without the intention of chatting with me

What I noticed that when people leaned into their natural skills and abilities, I was taken care of. Some people were practical and consistent. Some people were affectionate listeners. Some were creative and thoughtful. When everyone leaned into their natural abilities, they became what I needed.

What to say

I’m always terrified to say the wrong thing. But let's be clear. There ARE wrong things to say. Things that make an already horrible experience more challenging or overwhelming.

Don’t be scared to reach out. Reaching out is so important.

But when you do, here are a few things to keep in mind:

• There are no words that will make it better, so instead of trying to fix their sadness or sorrow, use words that show support and love for your loved one (examples below)

• Check in consistently but without demands or expectation

• Listen more than you speak. Listen with intention to support, not to satisfy your own curiosity

Here are a few examples of helpful messages. Variations of the following:

• You don’t need to reply but I wanted you to know…

• I love you

• I’m sorry

• You are in my thoughts/prayers

• I partake in your grief

• I’m here with you, I will be with you every day

• Do not apologize, you are doing exactly what you need to be doing

• I see that you're in pain, and I'm so sorry

• I am proud of you for _____

• Do not worry about ____, I will _____ .

• Share memories, pictures, videos, texts

• Things that have helped you - a song, a poem, a scripture

If you’re a more friend or acquaintance, it’s more appropriate to NOT ask questions. But if you are very close friend or family member, here are a few helpful questions to ask:

• Is there anything you need to do that feels too hard to do right now?

• Do you need space, or do you need company?

• Is it helpful to talk about it? Do you feel better or worse when I ask questions?

What not to say:

Don't try to fix the problem or make it better.

• It’s ok

• You’re ok

• It’ll be okay

• At least [long winded reason why it's good it happened]

Don't make it about you pain, your curiosity, your process.

• Oh no, it can’t be true!

• You must be devastated.

• I know how you feel, this exact thing happened to me…

• Is it real?

Don't ask questions.

• Are you ok?

• When’s the funeral?
  note: They will post or tell you when it’s decided.

• What’s going to happen with ____?
  note: Asking for any details may be inconsiderate, unless you are involved in the planning or close family.

• What’s your address?
  note: Basic activities like texting back take monumental effort. Find their address another way or wait to send the letter.

• How did your [family member] take the news?

Their grief is bigger than yours. Do not make it about you. Leave your curiosity at the door, and lead with listening.

Gifts & Deliveries:

There’s two ways to go about this. Practical or meaningful gifts.

While meaningful gifts seem to be more popular, the practical gifts are appreciated just as much!

This is because in the moment of overwhelming grief, they are more helpful.

But a good rule of thumb is: Lean into your strengths here, and no gift is too small. If everyone just does a little bit - what a difference it makes!

Practical Gifts

Essentials, in this order:

• Money

• Paper plates, napkins, utensils, paper towels

• Gift Cards / Food

• Tissue boxes

Food I appreciated most:

• Frozen meals I could easily heat and eat

• Fresh raspberries, blueberries & strawberries

• Homemade bread

• Hearty, warm home cooked meals
  Someone brought over Costco's stuffed peppers and they are now a staple for us - we LOVE them! So delicious, so filling, and incredibly easy. Just bake for 50 minutes and devour!

• Grab and go snacks

Note about food:
We received a lot of cookies and sweets. Sadly, we didn’t have the stomach for too many sweets, and much got wasted. Individually package sweets lasted longest & were much appreciated. But I won’t ever pass up a good friend's freshly baked cookies.

Other Helpful Items

• Self care items
  journal, hydration, tea, lotion, chapstick, bath salts, etc.
  I love this essential oil diffuser pen I use in my journal.

• Comfort Items
  blanket, socks, sweater, candle, curated musical playlist
  Best aromatherapy for healing: Lavender. Ylang Ylang. Rosemary. Lemon. Palo Santo. Chamomile. Bergamot. Sandalwood. I love burning incense sticks.

• Calming Activities
  coloring book, puzzle, simple art projects, etc.
  I'm obsessed these scented color pencils I got for Christmas

• Pet toys

Books I LOVE (& help with grief):

• Wintering by Katherine May

• It’s OK Not To Be OK by Megan Devine (also on kindle unlimited)

• How to carry what can’t be fixed - a Guided Journal by Megan Devine

• Miracles in the Darkness by Julie Cluff (also on kindle unlimited)

Meaningful Gifts:

Flowers are a beautiful way to immediately show support. They reminded me of the living people who are thinking of me.

Another friend gifted me the same type of plant she was gifted when her father died - 25 years ago. A beautiful, thoughtful gift. And a plant won't die (or at least not as fast) as flowers will.

We (my siblings and I) loved gifts that came with stories, meaning, and healing.

Journals, flower presses to save his funeral flowers, wind chimes, artwork, engraved brackets, necklaces and rings with his handwriting and fingerprints, artwork, healing crystals, wreaths, stuffies with his face on them, and so much more.

People are incredibly creative and thoughtful, finding ways to help us keep dad's spirit close. What special gifts and bonds were strengthened through gift giving and gift recieving.

Acts of service

If you can’t buy anything there are other things that helped me immeasurably.

My mom did my dishes while I laid on the couch. Two days later, my mother in law came and did more dishes (and brought me paper plates) while I laid on the couch. My father in law raked the leaves that covered my front porch. Other ideas:

• Groceries delivered (mostly non perishable or frozen foods please)

• Laundry

• Dishes

• Take the garbage/recycling to the road

• Rake leaves

• Take dogs for a walk

• Offer to sit and do a puzzle, sit and read, sit and craft

• Do something good in honor of who they lost

I said it already, I have been supported wonderfully, I am grateful for ALL forms of support. But some were simply more helpful than others. I hope to become one of those helpful, gentle supports for someone else someday.

Note: If you have anything to add to this list, please let me know!